Dear Diary (Take Two...)|
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|Tuesday, February 19th, 2008|
It's more that I miss those days
when I had a film camera.
Mom lent it to me
Summer of '97 as I walked out the door to a camp job,
and I never gave it back to her 'til 8 years later.
That camera took a lot of great pictures over the years;
Guggenheim... work pictures...
APO stuff... 1000's upon 1000's of 'em!
(my paychecks all went to developing film!)
Where it all goes now, I'm not sure...
So much scanning still to do,
trying to somehow digitize my past
so that I remember and savor it still
when my mind begins to fail me...
The pixels of my heart and soul
First letter-writing is gone
replaced by e-mail...
Now digital photography eclipses
the grainy film so thin and frail and exposed.
What is left of our youth
that yearns for the trades of old?
Acceptance, is sometimes a
Yet change still knocks
or rather texts or blogs,
hogging bandwidth ethereal.
Nothingness replacing something-ness.
My, how the electron has moved us forward...
and yet for me, to tears.
|Wednesday, June 6th, 2007|
|Breaking New Ground...
After the final stretch of work that culminated on Friday, I am now in completely unfamiliar territory, for the first time in a long time... (13yrs?)
In all of the jobs I have ever had, I have never had one which spanned the academic year as well as the summer months. Sure... I've worked summer jobs before, but they've been exactly that - jobs during the summer, and the summer only, so when May closed the door last week and June was before me looking the same as any other day this year, it left me scratching my head, full of questions that I knew the answer to, yet needed to experience all over again as reassurance that nothing had changed except the date.
The work is the same,
the hours are (roughly) the same,
and the only thing that is impeding the flow of getting things accomplished is that silly part of me that believes something is supposed to be different about this time, if for no other reason than because it always has been in the past.
Perhaps I have placed too much emphasis on a romanticized vision of a Summer Vacation into my subconscious expectations and into the meaning of what this annual stretch has for me. How many times have I looked forward specifically to this period, knowing the wonderful memories and experiences captured in this magic time arching the academic lull?
In ways it feels like a dream has been let go... that the magic of this moment is now locked away where I cannot reach it amidst the daily monotony of paperwork, meetings, and a 9-5 routine. When did I agree to have this time ripped away from me? Pulled from my outstretched hands that want to play and create without bounds, now shackled in structure bound by a paycheck.
I suppose that this is just another part of growing up?
If it is, I'm not sure how much I'm going to like being an adult. Current Mood: blah
|12 o'clock and all is well...
See... I'm getting better at this journaling thing. It's only been SIX MONTHS instead of an entire year since my last entry. I really have to laugh every time I ponder over that fact, because I do tend to be quite a reflective person... though, over these past 5 years, I've really struggled in putting those thoughts down onto paper... err... "paper". I don't know why that is either. If I were able to somehow salvage those old diaries, you would see what I mean. Two solid years of daily entires when I was at Alfred, and then another 3 solid years of nearly-daily entries when I was at Potsdam and had an account at OpenDiary. Sadly, I have but a single printed out copy of the former (buried away somewhere), and no copy of the latter as it was erased when OD went to a paid/free format and made everyone re-register.
So... enough about that... it's time to move on already, right?
|Tuesday, January 9th, 2007|
|Another year... another entry...
One of these years, I actually will get my act together and start to make legitimate use of this paid account that I manage to renew for the sake of what has recently been an average of 1 posting per anni.
Until that happens, though, I will do my best to (fill in the scout oath here) and more importantly, take advantage of the wonderfully therapeutic (and sometimes cathartic) process that is pouring my thoughts out here on paper... well... virtual paper or what-have-you.
Much has changed since my last entry... a new living environment... a new job... and new roles I play on a day to day basis... it is different... and in many ways the same... despite being in a city of a million people, many times it still feels as though I were in my tiny village of five thousand, and certainly it is quite possible to even feel alone in such surroundings.
Guggy is a trooper. She was certainly not a fan of the 6-hour car trip when moving day came around. She doesn't like the cat-carrier, and she doesn't like car rides. To top it all off, I had never taken her in the car for that long before, so it going into uncharted territory on many levels. Fortunately, my new apartment has much more space than the old one. More windows to peek out of, more furniture to jump off of, more crevices and ledges to navigate. Were it not for allergies, my residents would fully be in support of letting her roam freely the hallways as a community pet. But... all in good time, right?
As for now, it has been a long beginning to this week. Still sleep-deprived from Nationals and covering double-duty for both myself and my boss (who is off for 10 days), has left me one tired-out party pooper for the moment... but... at least I have some things to look forward to (that is... when I wake up again to experience them).
What those may be... well... I suppose I'll leave those for the next entry... after all... If I'm to stand in the face of my own historical writers block, at least I can throw myself a bone to get the ball rolling...
...and hopefully when "pen" hits "paper," less than a year will have elapsed...
(third times' a charm, right?) ;o) Current Mood: mellow
|Friday, January 6th, 2006|
|Monday, March 28th, 2005|
|It's just another Manic Monday...
</span> Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, March 16th, 2005|
I just had a whole entry typed and ready to go... and as I was moving the mouse towards the "update" button, my computer froze and I lost all of it.
I guess it wasn't meant to be...
- gator. :() Current Mood: confused
|Friday, March 11th, 2005|
|Dead kitchen walking...
There is a great deal of irony in that as much as I hate to do dishes, I felt saddened as the last plate hit the dish drain this evening. It's the last dish ever that will be washed in this sink... for come tomorrow, the folks will start tearing out all the old fixtures, and replacing them with brand new shiny ones.
Right now, things look so empty... as if I were going to move out and never come back, even though the dishes are sitting mere feet away in the living room. The shelves are bare... the cupboards emptied, and the refrigerator already unplugged and thawing. It's a weird feeling. It will still be home with the new cabinets and appliances, but... it will feel different... there's no doubt about that...
Even the petty annoyances will somehow be missed. Having to lean over far to adjust the sink faucet... constantly wiping off the adjacent stove burners so that they don't smoke up the next time I cook on the stove top... not being able to fit my Christmas bonus turkey in the freezer because it was too small... never being able to plug anything in because there were no outlets... never being able to see because I was always in my own shadow from the solitary overhead light... Somehow such things will make me pause and reflect in the future, when I don't have to deal with those inconveniences...
The dishes will sit in the drain overnight to dry. That's the only thing that hasn't been boxed up and moved over yet.
Just one more memory before they take it all away. Pictures snapped. Everything cleaned. Just peaceful tranquility in an otherwise hectic microcosm.
The clock strikes midnight...
and all is well...
- gator. :() Current Mood: melancholy
|Wednesday, March 9th, 2005|
|Blowin in the wind...
A rather strange thing happened to me last night that I wanted to write about...
I was sleeping. And at some point, I awoke to find that it was really cold in my room. My first thought was, Great! the radiators aren't working. Not a good night for that to happen, as we were definitely in the negative single-digits temperature-wise. I got out of bed and felt the radiator. It was weakly warm, but not off. So I trudged out to the living room to see if they were on there. It was even colder in there and the radiators were pumping out full blast.
Hmm... I felt the windows. They weren't exactly air-tight, but they were pretty well closed. Then... I saw it. The door that leads out to the quad... it was a good 2 feet wide open. Yes. That would definitely explain such cold temperatures in my apartment. It's a really weird door in that you never know when you shut it if it will stay shut. I guess I didn't double-check that the last time I used the door (which is only maybe once or twice a week - as I use the inside door to the hallway all the time).
After closing the door, my next thought was GUGGY! I frantically searched for her. She is *not* an outdoor cat. Fortunately, I heard her meow - she was in the living room snuggled up on a comforter trying to keep warm. Thank God for that! I get so frightened that if she were to go outside, that she'd wander around a bit and not be able to find her way back. (In the 4 years that I've had her, she has "gotten out" less times than I can count on one hand, and of those times, I'ev known right away, so she hasn't gotten more than a few feet away from the door.
Once my pulse started to subside, I returned to the bedroom, which was still very cold. For the first time in awhile, I actually slept under my comforter (as opposed to just under a blanket like normal). It brought back memories of the last time I had guests over. :o)
When I woke up for real, the apartment had almost warmed back up to normal, but it was still a bit on the nippy side...
- gator. :() Current Mood: cold
|Tuesday, March 8th, 2005|
|Ups and downs...
Lots of ups and downs in life as of late... so this entry will take a form lovingly borrowed from VH1's "Best Week Ever"
DOWNGRADE: Got a call from another colleague when an emergency came up for him. I agreed to cover his on-call this past weekend because no one else was available. As a result, I had to ditch visiting my friends in Vermont for a *second* time.
DOWNGRADE: There were a couple of emergencies that I had to respond to while on-call. Unlike the previous 4 weekends where no one had received any calls *sigh*
UPGRADE: None of the calls interfered with my watching a production of "Diary of Anne Frank" on Friday night, nor the basketball game on Saturday evening. :o)
UPGRADE: Got a call from Fr. Cerank at Mooers Forks. He said he had been trying to get a hold of me for two months but the e-mails kept getting bounced back (Fr. isn't exactly a technology geek - he didn't realize that he was missing an "@" sign in my address.) The purpose for the call was to do a full day retreat for his Confirmation class. The only date available is at the tail-end of my spring break. But... as a result, I get to swing by my friends in Vermont following that day, as it will only be another 2-hour drive.
UPGRADE: Our basketball team won their second round NCAA tournament game on Saturday. It was crazy. Over 2000 screaming fans witnessing a closely contested basketball game that had us holding our breaths going down to the wire in regulation, then going into overtime where we eeked out a one point victory. Our fans stormed the court. It rocked.
DOWNGRADE: As a result of said basketball game, I now have no voice. I screamed it all away. At least I have great pictures of it all :o)
DOWNGRADE: The next game Potsdam plays in the tournament is against the #1
seeded team (#3
in the country) at an away site in Massachusetts. I can't go because I have to oversee the closing of my residence hall for Spring Break the following morning.
DOWNGRADE: Weather was rotten on Monday night, so I had to cancel bowling with my staff. :o(
UPGRADE: Instead, we hung out in the RA Office, ordered in pizza, and watched a Whose Line marathon.
DOWNGRADE: On a more serious note, the sibling of a very good friend of mine passed away recently. A young thing too... barely over 20 years old. My heart aches in empathy. :o(
UPGRADE: I got to have a great conversation with that friend and her mother. Both are really strong people, and it felt good to talk with them. They appreciated my calling them, and asked if I would consider dropping by when I am in Brockport at the beginning of April. I said that I would love to.
So... yeah... lots of ups and downs... but... such is life... you never know when the terrain will be rocky ahead of you... or when it will be monotonous for a stretch.
In a way, I have been feeling a strong momentum growing in myself... of experiencing life... of learning to "feel" again with my heart...
My days have been feeling more full, even if nothing more than normal is happening...
I like this feeling...
- gator. :() Current Mood: full
|Sunday, February 27th, 2005|
|Hopefully hoopin it up...
Yay! They just posted the NCAA Brackets for the Division III Basketball Tournament. Potsdam State is currently ranked #23
Nationally, and by virtue of being a 2 seed, they get a first round bye, and will get to host a second round game next Saturday!
Yes... I am totally psyched!
And you just KNOW the fans are going to be crazy wild...
(I'm so glad to be part of the pep band! THE ENERGY! )
Well... that was some post-worthy material.
More actual "life" stuff to come later... ;o)
- gator. :()
|Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005|
|Cutting it in Connecticut...
Yay! I made it! Connecticut is now behind me, as are the training workshops that I attended at UConn this past weekend... all 15 hours-worth of them... *grins* I am now certified to be a APO LEADS Launch Presenter! WooHoo! :o)
Connecticut seems like a pleasant state. I just wish that I got to see more of it than the interstates... of course, it's so hard to find a gas station there too. I don't know if they just use electric cars there or what, but on the way home, I so desperately wanted to stop and get some postcards (as has become tradition in my APO Roadtripping) but we looked in several places, and found absolutely buhb-kus! There was even a huge shopping district where there wasn't a gas station as far as the eye could see. Oh well... I guess that just wasn't meant to be... :o(
Weather returned to "normal" (ie - cold and snowing) as I trekked through the Adirondacks on my way back from Troy to Potsdam on Monday. Even with the roads being crappy and having to follow behind snowplows for a good 30 miles, I still made that leg of the journey in about 4 hours - a respectable time given the road conditions (it's 200 miles, so averaging 50mph in these conditions is not too shabby). I made it back just in time to meet up with the Kappa Phi APO brothers from Saint Lawrence University. We went to the Asian Buffet restaurant in Canton. I hope this doesn't burst anyones bubble, but it is the exact same restaurant as the China King Buffet in Potsdam, even down to the etherial music, decoration scheme, menu selection, and even wait-staff (yes... I've seen some of these folks working the Potsdam establishment too... so... no secret there anymore! ;o)
In other news life continues to be busy with my job as a Residence Director. I'd talk about it more, but with confidentiality concerns, I'm not really able to share much about that aspect of what I do. But to give you an idea of how taxing that taking care of 400 college students can be, let's just say that between Friday when I left campus, and Monday night when I returned, there were instances of vandalism, underage drinking, pot smoking, a physical altercation, and a mental breakdown/suicide gestuer that awaited my return. Definitely not your typical weekend, but, these things happen from time to time, and sometimes they can pile up and hit you all at once. So... needless to say, Tuesday was a really long day!
Today I had a really great talk with a good friend and colleague. It was just what I needed to hear... :o) I had been wanting to talk with him for 3 weeks now, but never had the time or the schedule for us to get together...
I know that I have many decisions to face in the upcoming time... and some of those need to get straightened out on the inside before I can show those sides of me to the world without fearing rejection...
Oy... I'm tired... so I'm gonna head out... have a good one...! ;o)
|Tuesday, February 15th, 2005|
Today I found out that I'll be having a couple of moves in my life...
( Move #1Collapse )
( Move #2Collapse )
Yup... except for that one year when I was back in Saranac Lake, I've spent the last decade of my life living in college residence halls. No candles, no noise after midnight, and having about 400 neighbors less than a stones throw away...
Yup... just your average Joe...
- gator. :()
Current Mood: pleased
|Friday, February 11th, 2005|
|Time to kick back another 40...
wow... is it really lent already? It's hard to believe that it's been that long since I was last in this period of reflection. For me, it couldn't have come at a better time. So many things on my mind that need to be thought through... so many questions looking to be answered... so much direction needed to keep me from stumbling and getting tripped up along the way.
Father's homily from yesterday (Ash Wednesday) centered around the passage in Psalms; "create in me a clean heart". That this next 40 days is a period of self-examination... a spring cleaning of the soul. Wiping out the cobwebs that form in the hidden crevices less-oft thought about, and those experiences and memories which we push to the furthest extremities so as to avoid looking at them for what they are.
so many things on my mind...
all these impact moments that seem to be piling up on one another... filling me with so much life... but at the same time making me question so many of the things that have been fixtures in my life for so long... I don't want to lose any of this wonderful thinking in the crossover between what has been, what is, and what will be... I pray that I might have the wisdom to stay mindful of those things which are truly important, and not so much of those things which are to pass on after a brief visit to my soul...
so many questions looking to be answered...
with so many new ideas and concepts being introduced to me... I am at a loss at times to make sense of it all... knowing what it is that I want to know... and being able to acknowledge what things I will never be able to know.. and keeping those things straight in my mind, with some semblance of a foundation for which this new information can be integrated and assimilated...
so much direction needed...
life is pulling me in all different directions, and I need now, more than ever, to have the courage and strength to fight these forces, striving to be centered, focused, and true to myself and to the one who created me. But... I am human... I am weak... and frail... and the world leaves its imprint upon me... and I need Your help to make it through each moment of each day.
So... if you're out there, throw me a bone one of these days, and while you're at it... toss me another 40, so much on my mind that I might need to come back for seconds...
- gator. :() Current Mood: hopeful
|Tuesday, February 8th, 2005|
|Ebb and flow...
Most sincere apologies (to myself as well) for not keeping up my regular contributions to my LJ. I really like to put a little something into it each night... but sometimes... when life gets busy... and the mind is working overtime... running my thoughts down seems to be one of the first things that goes by the wayside... as if the therapeutic value of doing something else would provide more release and accomplishment.
I need to journal. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind and out into the world... my thoughts do me no good sitting dormant in a mind that needs to break free of the patterns of normalcy and predictability, needing to "feel" alive and taking in of all that is around me. I need to tap into that emotional ether that extends just beyond the fingertips and to both the brightest and darkest reaches of this existence.
Tomorrow begins another period of journey and reflection for me. I hope that over this period I am able to more clearly see where that path leads beyond that next rise, and will help me to plan for what lies ahead... Current Mood: optimistic
|Tuesday, February 1st, 2005|
|On my knees...
Tonight, I had another "impact moment". These have been happening a lot recently... I guess I've been due, though. Perhaps I should explain what I mean by that term since I don't think I've used it on LJ yet...
"Impact moment" is a name that I give to those instances or situations in your life where you are challenged to extend yourself beyond your comfort zone. You can never really predict when such epiphanies might happen in your life, though I do suppose that through regular reflection and juxtapositions, a person could set themselves up to increase their frequency of impact moments, if placing themselves in environments of bias and change.
In my life, these moments have been happening on occasion, but in recent years they've been happening less and less frequently. I was starting to worry that I would not have many more big lessons to be learned, or that lessons not yet learned, might never be. Thoughts that my rootedness in Potsdam could be preventing me from growing have also crossed my mind. A terrible thought, indeed, as often ones mind begins to decay when it stops learning... the same would apply for the body... and for the soul...
The impact moment that occurred tonight was the last mass ever at St. Francis of Assisi Church. The short story of this event's significance comes from the fact that I have been going to church there regularly for nearly ten years, and now, it is gone, never to be experienced in physical reality ever again.
I honestly didn't think that this would be such a pivotal experience for me. I had planned it into my days activities, and actually had sandwiched it between community band rehearsal and a home basketball game, as if it would be possible to hop in and hop out without being affected by what happened there.
I mean, they haven't even had mass there since last Spring, and I had already been going to St. Mary's since then... but... being back in the old building brought back so many memories. At times, I could feel the tears of sorrow welling up in my eyes, and I could tell that those around me felt an equal connection to this church that I did... maybe even moreso... people whom had been married in that church... who had had their children baptized in that church... people whom had laid to rest their loved ones with a service in that church.
In the 37 years that the building was a church, there were 5 priests assigned there... and I knew all of them... crazy, but... I just happened to be there when the first priest there was on the verge of moving to another parish... and was there the day they said the doors would have to be closed...
Impact moments provide an opportunity to change my perspective... and to grow and learn from them. What do I take from this one...? That my faith doesn't live within bricks and stone... it lives within flesh and blood... and I take that with me in every heartbeat... and every breath...
I do thank St. Francis for providing me with so many memories of meditation and reflection... of sitting in the quietness and presence late at night... and playing on the piano that sounded ever so surreal in the acoustics manifest by the buildings unique design.
Rest in peace... Current Mood: contemplative
|Monday, January 31st, 2005|
There is merit in the pride that one feels after an honest day of work that ran a bit over because getting the job done was more important than the amount of time that it took.
Such are Mondays for me... after a weekend of relative freedom, the Monday morning "clean-up" is always a crap shoot... you just never know what messages are waiting for you on the voicemail, what e-mails are ready to pop out at you on the monitor, or what fun documentations and randomness might be there in your mailbox. (I am constantly amazed by the permutations of true humor that present themselves in the college environment! It is never lacking!)
Today was another such day. Very productive, yet mostly all clean-up. Three roommate conflicts... a fire-bell malfunction... a little bit of puke in the bathrooms... some pranks... not always usual stuff to happen over a weekend in my building, but... don't you know that it's also the first time in 8 semesters as an RD, I felt that I could be able to go away for the weekend following the first week of classes without the place burning down. And... it didn't, but craziness did ensue. Let's just hope it was random luck... and it didn't have anything to do with me not being here... ;o) Which would be a shame, because then I would feel like I have to stay here, when I'd like to have the freedom to rove about... like I did this past weekend when I got to have a lot of fun with my buds in the capital district :o)
(You *know* who you are! Thanks for the wonderful memories!)
- gator. :() Current Mood: exhausted
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
|The gang's all here...
Finally... the long hours and preparation for opening are now behind me. (I've done enough 15-hour workdays to last me a lifetime!) Of course, now I am entirely spent. Somehow I am optimistically hoping to catch up on my sleep so that I can visit shockwave and edrick this weekend. After all, winter driving in the Adirondacks is tough enough as is without worrying about falling asleep at the wheel.
So... to sum up the last 10-ish days, they have been busy, busier, busiest. I do apologize for not keeping up with peoples LJ's, but there are two stretches like this over the course of a year, and it's better to just focus on getting the work stuff done, and then resume the remainder of my life once the rush is done. (and now it is - so... yay!)
Over that time, my car FINALLY got fixed (apparently the same mechanics must be working on shykat20 's car. I also found my camera - the one that had mysteriously disappeared days before going to Denver (talk about major horrible timing for a camera to come up missing... grrrr..). But, I survived because I bought an insane number of disposable cameras to make it through my photograph-happy tendencies. So, I found it while cleaning out an office where I conduct my Hall Advisory Board meetings - such a weird place for it to be because I never remembered bringing it in there - and usually when you misplace something, you are able to remember how it got there. Anywho, it will soon be a moot point, since I'm just days away from deciding which digital camera I want to order. (If anyone has any suggestions about a good 4-6 mega-pixel camera that they are gaa-gaa about, please let me know - I am still looking at a couple of different models.)
What else has happened...? mostly work stuff. That means scripting and tweaking my many excel databases of administrative information, preparing workshops for training my staff of 15 RA's, visiting with professors from around campus to schedule a programming series for upperclassmen, chatting with the folks from continuing-ed to work out the logistics of teaching some non-credit courses this summer at the college, and working on this end-of-the-semester report (which is currently 10 pages single-spaced, and still going strong - when you have 400 people to take care of for 4 months, there is a lot to write even when you just summarize the big things).
Well... that's about all I can muster up the energy to write about at this time... I'll be back to my usual daily writing antics soon enough though...
Keep the *hugs* coming... :o)
Remember, we're all in this together...
- gator. :() Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, January 20th, 2005|
|I'm alive... :o)
Just wanted to leave an entry to let folks know that I'm still alive. The reason that I haven't left an entry in a few days is because this week is the busiest time for me at my job as an RD. Most every day this week I have been working 15-hour marathons to get my staff and building together for the return of students this weekend. Once we hit next week, life gets to settle back down to normal... and I get to catch up on sleep...
Hope all is going well for everyone else out there in LJ-land... make sure to bundle up tonight... it's gonna be a cold one again...
(yup... more -40 predicted for us)
- gator. :() Current Mood: random
|Tuesday, January 18th, 2005|
|I *heart* HTML :o)
During The Great LiveJournal
Outage of 2005
...I curled into the fetal position and whimpered until LJ was back online.
...I attempted to contact people I have spoken to online through a phone line. I heard voices, it was so strange.
...I wandered the city streets aimlessly pondering the meaning of life without LiveJournal.
...I got a life. Upon discovering LJ again lived, I happily disposed of it.
...I taught myself how to divide by zero.
...I checked myself into the local psych ward in hopes of finding some of my fellow LJers.
What did you do?
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